I guess I could use my blog as a place to post my grievances about losing a very important and special person in my life a year ago today. I guess I could use my blog to post my feelings and thoughts about it. I guess I could use my blog to gain condolences...
But I won't. Yes, it's been a year since my grandma passed away. Yes, it's been a very very difficult year (one of three deaths in one summer, but hers, obviously, being the closest to my heart). Yes, at times I've felt lost and not in the right place at the right time or with the right decision. No, I'm not trying to be all stoic and cold, so please don't think that. But, yes, I have learned a lot in this past year about her, about me, about my family and about the people around us.
It's still hard to travel to Alabama and not be able to see her. And it's still hard for me not to walk up to her and get a hug with a smile. It hurts that I can't just lay down next to her on the couch, put my head in her lap, even if she's in the middle of a conversation, and have her play with my hair. It's hard as hell to not be able to ask her advice on what to do with a bunch of 5 year olds!
But, you see, all of those things are things that are hurting me. I've been grieving for me and my loss, not taking into account that she is no longer feeling the unexplained chest pain or seeing Grandpa the way he is... Yea, we can say that we wanted her at our weddings, to see us graduate, to hold our kids in her arms, to teach them the same things she taught us, but she has! Grandma had taught us patience, virtue, smiles, hugs, warmth, and how to make Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. And what we can do, as her descendants, is take those special quirks she has given us, her defiant thoughts and beliefs and feelings, her love and learn more from those in our own ways with her guidance. We can try our hardest to grow up to be people she would think are awesome and special and smart and talented. We can "be" her in a different way, as long as we hold her close to our hearts.
I can't say I will no longer grieve for my loss, because then that would be a lie. But I can say that I will remember her patience and love and understanding and I will try my hardest to implement those learned things into my own life so people can look up to me the way so many people looked up to her and learned from her, so people can love me the way she was, and still is, dearly loved.
So, with that, I love you, Grandma. You will never leave my thoughts. Your great smile, laugh, hugs, and cute clothes will forever be with me.
But I won't. Yes, it's been a year since my grandma passed away. Yes, it's been a very very difficult year (one of three deaths in one summer, but hers, obviously, being the closest to my heart). Yes, at times I've felt lost and not in the right place at the right time or with the right decision. No, I'm not trying to be all stoic and cold, so please don't think that. But, yes, I have learned a lot in this past year about her, about me, about my family and about the people around us.
It's still hard to travel to Alabama and not be able to see her. And it's still hard for me not to walk up to her and get a hug with a smile. It hurts that I can't just lay down next to her on the couch, put my head in her lap, even if she's in the middle of a conversation, and have her play with my hair. It's hard as hell to not be able to ask her advice on what to do with a bunch of 5 year olds!
But, you see, all of those things are things that are hurting me. I've been grieving for me and my loss, not taking into account that she is no longer feeling the unexplained chest pain or seeing Grandpa the way he is... Yea, we can say that we wanted her at our weddings, to see us graduate, to hold our kids in her arms, to teach them the same things she taught us, but she has! Grandma had taught us patience, virtue, smiles, hugs, warmth, and how to make Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. And what we can do, as her descendants, is take those special quirks she has given us, her defiant thoughts and beliefs and feelings, her love and learn more from those in our own ways with her guidance. We can try our hardest to grow up to be people she would think are awesome and special and smart and talented. We can "be" her in a different way, as long as we hold her close to our hearts.
I can't say I will no longer grieve for my loss, because then that would be a lie. But I can say that I will remember her patience and love and understanding and I will try my hardest to implement those learned things into my own life so people can look up to me the way so many people looked up to her and learned from her, so people can love me the way she was, and still is, dearly loved.
So, with that, I love you, Grandma. You will never leave my thoughts. Your great smile, laugh, hugs, and cute clothes will forever be with me.
Sarang heyoo
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